Estrangeiras

Anedota contada na antiga Rússia soviética:

Um antigo herói revolucionário, Vasily Ivanovitch Chapaev, e o seu fiel ajudante de ordens, Pyetka, estavam a saltar de pára-quedas:
- "Estamos a 100 metros do solo", exclamou
preocupadamente Pyetka, "puxe a corda para abrir o pára-quedas, Vasily Ivanovitch."
- "É cedo ainda," respondeu calmamente Chapaev.
- "Agora faltam apenas 50 metros," gritou Pyetka. "Puxe a corda agora."
- "Calma, Pyetka, ainda falta muito tempo"
exclamou Chapaev, tao calmo quanto da outra vez.
- "Só' faltam três metros," gritou Pyetka. "Puxe a corda."
- "Só' três metros ?... Então não se preocupe," comentou
Chapaev. "Desta altura eu não preciso de um pára-quedas para saltar."


Anedota contada em alguns países da América Latina sobre os argentinos:

No meio de uma violenta tempestade, marcada por raios e trovões, uma argentino sai para a chuva. Alguém passa pelo local, estranhando a situação do argentino pergunta-lhe:
- O que esta aqui a fazer porque não sai do meio da tempestade ?
- Não posso, estou a espera que Deus me tire uma fotografia.


Anedota contada nos EUA sobre os árabes:

Sabes porque é que no Iraque não se ensina código da estrada e educação sexual no mesmo dia ?
- Porque eles não querem gastar o camelo.


You go to a party and you see a sexy girl across the room. You go up to her and say "Hi, I'm great in bed, how about it?".
That's direct marketing.

You go to a party and you see a sexy girl across the room. You give your friend a tenner. He goes up and says "Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, how about it?".
That's advertising.

You go to a party, you see a sexy girl across the room. She comes over and says, "Hi, I hear you're great in bed, how about it?"
Now, that's the power of branding!


Note: This is an interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
Female Interviewer: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
General Reinwald: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
Female Interviewer: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
General Reinwald: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
Female Interviewer: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
General Reinwald: I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
Female Interviewer: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
General Reinwald: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.


A preacher was completing a temperance sermon.
With great expression he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said,
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said,
"And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile,
"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365:
"Shall We Gather at the River."



Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver : I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver : It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver : That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver : Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver : Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver : Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver : It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver : Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver : No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver : Yeah, I'll bet the lying sun of a bitch told you I was speeding, too...


Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"
Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife."
Mr Smith: "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"
Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't fuck her."


A Cork Radio Station (in Ireland), 96 FM, was running a competition to find contestants who could come up with words that were not found in any English Dictionary yet could still use these words in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali for a week.

The DJ, Neil, had many callers; the following two standing out:

DJ : 96FM, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, me name's Dave.
DJ : Dave, what is your word?
Caller: Goan spelt G O A N, pronounced "go-an"
DJ : We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct, Dave, Goan is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?
Caller: Goan fuck yourself!

At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that there is no place for that sort of language on a family show.

After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following caller:

DJ : 96FM, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, me name's Jeff.
DJ : Jeff, what is your word?
Caller: Smee spelt S M E E, pronounced "smee".
DJ : We are checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff, Smee is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?
Caller: Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!